i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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