i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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