The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
