dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
