I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
