So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
