I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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