What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
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