When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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