im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He felt like a one man threesome
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
