Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
