There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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