You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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