..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
