dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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