So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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