im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
