Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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