the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Those nachos came to me in a dream
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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