Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
