Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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