or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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