I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So much rum. So many feels.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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