Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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