The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
