She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
