is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
