and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
