i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
