Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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