If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
