I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
