I am puke
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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