I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
