ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
