My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
