1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
