There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
