she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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