My first STD was from a foam party
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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