I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
