I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
whose ass print is on the piano?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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