You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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