Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
