Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
