im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
