I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
