Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
