I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
