we're chasing vodka with high fives
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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