Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
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